Alone

So what happened to me?  I think back to when I did have ‘real’ friends…and it must have been at least 10 years ago.  I’ve never felt more alone than I do now.  Is it my fault?  Do I run people away?  Am I afraid of letting people in?  I don’t like the feeling of being so alone, but am I getting used to it?  I’ve become a hermit and I don’t even know how it happened.  My biggest fear in life is not death nor speaking in public…it’s growing old alone.

Absence

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder…or does it just give time to forget?

To be or not to be

I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to physically be here nor do I want to be in this point in time. Sometimes I just wish I could disappear. I’ll keep trying.

Brokeback River?!?!

So, I went camping/canoeing with the guys this weekend.  The canoeing part of the trip was a lot of fun…and no, we did not tip over the canoes. But…we sure did run into a lot of trees and stumps in the river.  Probably didn’t help that we were ramming each other….into the trees with our canoes that is! We opted to take the 14 mile canoe trip and were finished with 11 miles within about 4 hours…time flies when you’re havin’ fun! Nope, no “Brokeback” stuff happened there…I guess no one brought their lube or something! (Thank God…I’m sore enough from paddling! hahaha).  Anyway, the trip was fun, even for this “city boy”. I’d do it again….well, at least the canoeing part. By the end, I was glad to get home and in the shower!

Weird

I’m feeling eird tonight. I’ve been watching one of those ‘Time Life’ CD infomercials and downloading songs I liked from the infomercial. With music comes old memories and new feelings. I reminisce of the “good ol times” and imagine the wondrful things to come. Feelings of love overcome me when listing to good ‘love’ songs. One song, in particular…’Groovy Kind of Love’ by Phil Collins, really gets me thinking about her an I. I love every minute of it, every thought. Maybe me feeling love like this is so foriegn to me it feels kind of ‘weird’. I can’t wait to hear her voice again…even though it was just a few hours when we talked. She always brings a smile to my face. I’ve never been so happy in my life.

Gym time

I joined a gym yesterday and I’m excited to start going. I need to “bulk up”, though I don’t see me getting real big…those of you who know me, know why. But I will get extremely “cut” like I was in my college days. Anyway, I wanna get to lookin good for the one I love. Anyway, I’m thinking maybe I’ll go just about everyday. I’ll have to change up ruitines, do different things so I don’t get bored with it. Maybe go to some pilates and spin classes every once in a while. I think…maybe, just maybe…I’ll post before and after pics…hahaha.

Missing? One of my life stories…

Right now I feel very empty. I feel as if I’m missing something. Earlier this weekend I was listening to some “old school” music and reminiscing about the old days. My life used to be so exciting. Where has my life gone? I’ve always thought that once I was older I would have more of an idea of where I was going in life. I was wrong…it’s the complete opposite. When I was younger, I knew exactly what I wanted, where I was going to be, and what my goals were. Since then, my life has changed. I’ve been in the military, been married and divorced and have a wonderful daughter. I am now a single parent (which I would have never thought was going to happen). I always thought I would have a lot of friends when I was older, be able to do anything I wanted, and live a prosperous life. So far, the only thing I have that I thought I’d have is a child…just never thought I’d be doing it alone. When I started college right after high school, my biggest goals in life were to have a family and a good career. I wanted a good career only because I wanted to be able to provide for my future family.

Well, when I was a sophomore in college I fell behind in a couple classes so the next semester I decided to “catch up”. I took 22 credit hours worth of classes, worked full time at Circuit City, and worked part time at a coffee house. That just about killed me. I ended up not sleeping at all for over 6 days because of my work load. After the 3rd day of no sleep at all, I was a zombie. I went through all the motions, but had no idea what I was really doing. I’d drive to work or school and not even remember how I got there. It was like I was constantly dreaming. All of this was getting to me, mentally and physically. Not to mention I had a roommate at the time that stole from me and sold drugs out of my house. All the stress was unbearable. I kicked that roommate out after I had figured everything out. My other roommate at the time had up and left to California without telling anyone, even his own mother. To this day I still consider him a great friend. Anyway, back to the POS that I had to kick out. Two weeks after I kicked him out, I got a phone call from his older brother who had just gotten released from prison for assault and battery. He threatened me because he thought that I was the one that reported his brother (my ex-roommate) to the police. I looked in the newspaper to find my old roommate under “Dayton’s 10 most wanted”. After that, I was getting harassed by many people. My house was vandalized, broken windows, and shot up once. I wasn’t about to stick around much longer, if I had, I doubt I’d be alive now. So…I joined the military. Hoping I’d be able to finish college and get my life back on track…I was wrong again. So now, here I am, a single parent, separated from the military, feeling as if I’m starting my life over again from scratch. I feel empty and alone, as if something’s missing. All I ever wanted was a happy family of my own and and my life kept giving me detours. I am now in the process of getting my schooling back on track. As for the family part…I have my daughter and I am also very much in love with someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. So here’s to getting my life back on track and to where I thought it’d be when I was younger.

Words to live by…

- If you don’t like yourself, you can’t like other people.

- Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.

- Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.

- A poet who reads his verses in public may have other nasty habits.

- You live and learn. Or you don’t live long.

- Courage is the compliment of fear…a man who is fearless cannot be courageous. (he is also a fool)

- “All’s fair in love and war” – What a contemptible lie!

- Natural laws have no pity.

- Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

- You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being too trustful.

- Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.

- Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers.

- Don’t try to have the last word…You might get it.

Complete Internal Chaos

Your hair blazes in the sun like passion
Your eyes pierce my anguish, Pecking me apart like vultures
I sense your love for me is vanishing into a vast abyss of loathing
My love is a plague, A persecution of my heart and soul
My head holds my heart captive to shield it from misery and agony
Therefore, my thoughtless performance drove you away
My heart you have vanquished, my mind you have jumbled
Single handily causing complete chaos through my entire body
Inducing everlasting love and devotion to you

Where my parents got my name…

Three Dog Night – Eli’s Coming * 1969